3 years ago my life was totally engulfed in surrogacy. I was midway
through a labour that resulted in my friends meeting their baby for
the first time.
Once the baby was born I wanted the world to know that “this is a
thing”, a thing people can do. That I had just experienced a life-changing
year, and I was a proud Auntie Jay.
Approximately a year later we embarked on Round Two: A sibling journey.
This time my mindset was focused not quite as much on my friends (the
parents), but on the beautiful and immensely loved little one, and how
great it would be for her to have a sibling to walk through life with.
Are there any regrets?
Well, I wished that I hadn’t shut mum and dad out at the end of the
first pregnancy. My instinctive hermit mode didn’t help them at such a
vulnerable time, but I couldn’t fight the need to hide from the world.
I regret not standing up firmer to the first Obstetrician who refused
my instinctive plea for a Caesarean after 2 days of labour with the
5th baby I’d carried. Telling the Obstetrician that I believed the
baby was stuck and I needed help was a massive big deal, as I’d had
all natural births with my own. I had 4 children waiting at home for
me. I parent on my own. A major op would never be my first choice, but
I know my body, I trust my instincts and intuition – My plea was
dismissed by the Obstetrician. I could have saved us some harsh events
if I’d have screamed and shouted at her I think.
I regret not having the presence of Bushra (my beloved friend and
Doula) at the second birth.
But that’s the full extent of my regrets… I think!
What do I feel most pleased about?
Well… chuff. Where do I start?!
I love those two little girls with all of my heart, but never once has
my heartfelt sad or empty (though my boobs tell a different story).
My heart grew hugely with the gift of kindness. My gift was time,
energy and love. My gift in return was love and trust.
To be trusted to carry your friends much longed for baby is a huge
deal. To be trusted to do what is right and to be given the
opportunity to grow in heart and spirit through the act of giving is a
mutual thing that feels immense.
Biggest baby knows and actually understands that mummy’s tummy was
broken, so she and her little sister both grew in my tummy until it
was time to be born and be reunited. She gets it like most adults
don’t seem to!
What has changed though is that life moves on? I no longer feel the
need to tell random people about my surrogacy journey, unless it feels
like the story is of benefit to them.
To those that it is, it is sometimes because they need to hear of the
alternative ways that families grow, or just that they need a heart
I now tell the story for others, and not just for myself.
I’m several chapters into writing all about the journey. Writing it
has been very healing for the traumatic or very emotive parts, of
which there have been some whoppers.
More than anything, it even warms my own heart. Seeing my own children
playing with my surrogate babies makes my cheeks ache with smiling!
They have grown up with an altruistic and giving act at the core of
their lives. A gift worth celebrating.
They are growing up with a long-term single mother who balances Home
Education, secondary school education, single parenthood, an employed
job, self-employed job, oh and a desire for a quiet house to write in.
I do wonder and hope that they truly believe that if there’s something
that you really want to do, then you just go ahead and find the ways
to make it happen.
That even when life gives you a challenge to overcome, such as not
having a womb, but having that deep instinctive desire to have a baby
– this goes not only for women who were born without a womb or lost it
to cancer (or the many reasons why a woman can’t carry her own baby),
but also to gay men who crave family/parenthood, but neither partner
has the womb, or eggs for that matter – when a desire for something is
strong, YOU find the way to make it happen.
If, when my book is finished, you think you’d like to read it, please
please take a moment to subscribe to my blog on my website as it will
help me to find a publisher who would like to work with me. My blog
posts are often few and far between due to writing/working elsewhere,
so I won’t spam you with dinner shots or exercise results, promise!